Natty Stories/Page12

Depression Knows Not Reality
(Dedicated to the six years I fought for my life against depression, the struggle I'll have against it forever, and to all the other victims. Maybe Natalie will find a cure.)

Mommy and Daddy seem to have forgotten all about what happened to me. They've just gone on with their lives. Mommy took me to spank Susie, and said she'd spank me if I didn't. She's just a little girl my age. I can't think that she's the big man who destroyed me.

Men are scary things. They're so big and mean. Daddy and Joseph hit me and Samuel...well. I can't really stand to think about Alex. Not now.

No one cares. I don't think anyone understands. He did more than rape me. There. I said it. Rape. He destroyed me. He took what I am and made me into nothing. And he will never care either. This stupid system thinks brutality will cure psychopaths. Right. We still don't know as much as we should about curing mental disorders, but I wonder if it could be fixed by rejuvenation. I'm the best in my field, but there's still a lot of code in the human genome that we feed into the rejuvenator that I don't know. Oh, sure, I know which sections to change to correct a heart or leg, but the mind?

Maybe I should get a degree in psychology and start researching that. That's right, Natalie, plan ahead. Look what all your big ideas came to. You were going to change the world. You couldn't even heal one lousy patient.

My brain knows that's not true, that I had fifty years of being a fine doctor who saved many lives. But my heart doesn't care.

I might as well admit I'm depressed. I don't exactly have anything to live for. Pain, pain, and more pain. I stay out of Mommy and Daddy's way as much as I can. If I'm as quiet as possible, maybe they won't notice me after they get through with the daily torture. I stay in my room and study. I'm doing quite well. I've passed all the computer tests Daddy set me. He pretended to praise me, but I know he was disappointed. He wanted a chance to beat me.

Men are all like that. They just want something from you. It's in their genes. Oh, my sweet Alex, how I miss you. But if I lived with you now, you'd probably be spanking me too.

I hate the way grownups treat children, especially Penitatas. It's like they think we can't hear what's said about us, or are too dumb to understand. We have to respect them when they don't deserve it. Mommy and Daddy are forty years younger than Alex and I, and a lot stupider. Yet I have to "yes, sir" and "no, ma'am" them all over the place. I have no right to opinions or feelings. I just do what I'm told, when I'm told, how I'm told. These people need Spanking Susies. That would be a nice, obedient, unthinking, spankable child for them.

I feel so empty, robbed of all I had and was and could have become. They took my body, my life, my integrity, my reputation, my career, my freedom, my virginity, my soul. Even my name. I am Natalie, not Natty, damn it!

I think I'd do better if they rejuved me back past my memories. Then they could fix me into what they want. It's time they recognized there are some things you just can't fix. My psyche is one of them. They've beat me. They've won. Probably soon they'll discard me like the piece of trash I am. And then Alex will be free. I'm sure he wants to be already.