The Misadventures of Samantha and Malcolm/Chapter 5 Home Again

“Home again, home again. Jiggity jig,” said Jet as he pulled into the garage. He cut the engine and sighed. The witness in the domestic case had recanted her testimony today, and since the rest of the evidence he had was circumstantial, it probably wasn’t going to trial. The lawyers would probably plea bargain down to something. At least I have the comforts of my humble home to look forward to, Jet thought as he opened the door from the garage to the house. The usual pitter patter of bare feet rushing to meet him was noticeably absent. He smelled marinara cooking and stepped into the kitchen, finding his wife doting over a saucepan. “Mm, smells good.” He complimented as he took up his wife’s waist in his arms and laid a kiss on her neck. “You’re son needs to talk with you,” his wife told him. Jet sighed. He didn’t want to have to deal with this now. “What did he do?” he asked. “He found a side door in the OS software that allowed him to get outside access to the net. He used it to check some game site.” “All right,” said Jet dejectedly. “I’ll go do what needs to be done.”



Jet stopped at the kids’ room. Inside he heard Samantha sing her version of Frère Jacques where the lyrics consisted entirely of the phrase “You’re gonna get it” repeated over and over again. He opened the door and she shut up. The room was divided right down the middle by a line of meshtape. On one side was Malcolm’s bed and furniture, the tops of the table, desk and chest of drawers were decorated with various Metarector toy creations he had been allowed to fiddle around with, they shifted from day to day as Malcolm disassembled and reassembled them in different configurations. The other side was… well… there was no rule in the book that limited how “girly” you could make a y-repressed offender’s life, and Jet and Alison had decided to capitalize on this absence of regulation. Samantha’s side was decorated with pink and pastel colors, with a big poster featuring unicorns. (Think Lisa Frank) Malcolm was laid on his bed face down his head under his pillow to drown out his sister’s taunting. When she went silent he withdrew his head. “Samantha,” said Jet. “How long have you been antagonizing your brother?” “Um…” she said. Malcolm looked at the clock. “She’s been coming in and out to do it for that last hour and a half,” he reported. Usually pennies were required to view the punishment of others as a warning, but Jet decided that Samantha would consider watching Malcolm get spanked to be too much of a reward. “Your mother needs help in the kitchen,” he told Samantha. “But I wanna see…” “Kitchen. Now.” Jet ordered. She walked past him out the door. Jet saw her reflection in the window stick her tongue out at Malcolm in the doorway. “And keep a civil tongue in your mouth.” He said without turning around, hoping that giving impression of clairvoyance would rattle her. She dashed down the stairs. Malcolm smirked. Jet sat down next to his son. “Your mother tells me you found a side door in the OS.” “Well, I realized that the help program has a link directly to the manufacturer’s site, which had a link to Coresoft’s site which has a general search function.” Malcolm sounded a little proud of himself. “And once you discovered this weakness, you of course reported it to your mother,” Jet proposed, guiding his son towards the inevitable admission of guilt. “Uh, no…see Skyslam has had an update for the DLC of the Age of Legends-Chibi series in the works and I’ve been waiting for three months! I mean there are like six other series that get updated with a bit every month and there’s another that’s been waiting for an update for a whole year.” “Mm can you get your money back?” asked Jet. “Um…There’s no charge, it’s all the free content. The purchased content is much more regular.” That took Malcolm down a peg. “Malcolm, this is what got you arrested in the first place.” said Jet. He opened up the drawer next to the bed, produced the paddle printed with Malcolm’s name, and presented it to the boy. A down trodden Malcolm accepted the cruel offering, got off the bed and began his 4-step. “I was naughty,” he said. “I went where I wasn’t supposed to without permission. I need a spanking to make me a good boy, Daddy.” The trepidation in his voice went up with every word. He handed the paddle back to his father, and dropped his shorts to the ground, revealing an already pink bottom courtesy of his mother upon the discovery of his transgression. Jet took the small boy over his own lap, tapped the pink cheeks with the implement and then brought it down. Malcolm kicked and squirmed under the assault upon his rump, soon enough he was whining and crying as the steady hand of Jet alternated each side. By the end he was the usual stream of tears and incoherent apologies. Jet set the paddle down on the bed and pulled Malcolm up into a hug. The boy was all surrender. What are you going to do next time you find something like that? “*SNIFF* Ask Mom permission if I can use it?” Malcolm answered. “I’ll get it right next time.” He promised. “I know you will Malcolm,” assured Jet. “Now let’s get your pants back on… Mom’s makin’ Spaghetti!”



The Next day... Malcolm was still nursing a pair of sore buns as he sat on the hard dining room chair. His assigned father had called him over to discuss his poor grade. “Malcolm,” said Jet, “Your grades have always been exemplary, this spelling test is a bit a shock. I want to know why this test was different from all of the others.” Malcolm started breathing heavier and making little sounds, like he was about to start a sentence but kept stopping upon the first vowel. “Malcolm, I’m not going to punish you more,” Jet assured his son. “I want to know, what was the X-factor in this grade?” Malcolm couldn’t help himself anymore, he knew perfectly well what he was doing instead of studying, and his father had just ordered him to admit it. “I was thinking about a…girl,” Malcolm confessed. “Ooooooh,” said Jet. “I see…what’s her name?” “I…Um…” Malcolm was wary, he was suddenly very nervous that Natalie might get in trouble, or even that they would be forbidden from-” “It’s Natalie!” chimed in Samantha from around the corner (which Malcolm silently cursed her for). “The Cummings child?” asked Jet. “Yes, sir,” confessed Malcolm. “And has she displayed an interest in you?” asked Jet. “Well,” Malcolm decided that a kiss on the cheek qualified, “Yeah, she has.” “And what are your intentions for her,” asked Dad. “My…intentions…” Malcolm hadn’t actually thought that far ahead. His brain, wired for calculation, started going through every possible permutation of a future with Natalie. He began showing the visible signs of stress mumbling and stuttering to himself as every probable scenario was not ending well. “Whoa, whoa,” Jet placed his arm on the boy’s shoulder, “Malcolm, ‘I don’t know’ is an acceptable answer.” That went against every lesson Malcolm ever had. In his mind ‘I don’t know’ was the same as ‘I fail.’ When an instructor called on Malcolm, Malcolm knew he had to have an answer to the question on the spot. When an opponent in debate didn’t know something, it meant his opponent was winning. When his parents asked him a rhetorical question about bad behavior, the answer was always “I need a spanking.” This idea that ignorance and a lack of preparation was an acceptable answer was new to him, but with caution… “I didn’t really think about it,” said Malcolm. “Okay,” said Jet. Malcolm relaxed. “I just really like her, I mean she’s pretty, and fun, and…when I’m with her, I’m not thinking about how much I wish I wasn’t here. I mean, I wake up in the morning, and all I do is WISH that I wasn’t a penny.” Jet breathed in through his nose, and out through his mouth. “Go to bed, Malcolm. We’ll discuss this further in the morning.”



Alison came down the stairs to find Jet laying across the couch with a volume of the Paradiso Penal Code across his face, and several more books upon the coffee table. She took an inventory of what he had been reading, “Your 6-12 Penny,” “Hard Timers for Dummies,” “What to Expect When You’re Incarcerating.” She plucked the book from his face and he opened his eyes. “Fascinating reading?” she asked. “I’m going over the regulations to see what restricts romantic entanglements between penitatas children,” he said. “Finally found out about Malcolm and Natalie, huh?” she asked. “You knew?” he asked, standing. “Yup,” she said. “For how long?” he asked. “Since the Moley’s dinner party,” she said. “Malcolm shared his cake with her, it was very cute.” “You didn’t think to mention it to me?” he demanded. “You’re the detective,” she said. “I thought you would figure it out.” Jet collapsed back onto the sofa. Alison draped herself over him. “So, what did you learn?” “There are a whole bunch of really good laws keeping pennies from getting too frisky,” said Jet. “Not much fear of that. I don’t really see Malcolm as the kind of kid who would even conceive doing something that naughty. I mean, Malcolm was a virgin BEFORE he was rejuved,” said Alison. “He was?” asked Jet. “He yelled it at Samantha once while you were at work,” said Alison. “Well,” said Jet, “for the life of me I cannot find one restriction or even elaboration on how to treat a relationship that never goes beyond the emotional. Not one guideline.” Alison patted her husbands’ chest sympathetically. “Well,” she said, “what can I say, Jet. Teaching them not to steal, to always be honest, and respectful of the people and property around them, that’s what we do. But learning the ins and outs of love, that’s just something they have to learn on their own.” Jet paused for a moment. “You know, that’s actually a very good answer,” he said.



“Malcolm,” said Alison, “we need to talk to you. It’s nothing bad.” It was the next morning, Samantha and Malcolm were on their way up the stairs after breakfast to fetch their school things. Malcolm stopped halfway up and followed his mother into the living room. He took a seat on the sofa as directed. Jet stood in front of the boy, Alison stood on Jet’s left. “Malcolm,” said Jet, “Your mother and I have reviewed the guidelines for interpersonal relations between penitatas, and there is nothing barring you from pursuing an emotional relationship with someone as long as it remains within the bounds of appropriate behavior.” “Yes, sir,” answered Malcolm. “Good, because…and let me make this clear,” Jet brought himself down to eye level with Malcolm and placed his hands on the boy’s shoulders, “if you were to allow this to become too…” he struggled with the right word “…physical, you would be responsible for all of your actions, and you could end up in juvenile court.” Malcolm suddenly felt a bit heavier. “But,” said Alison, “We know that you know the difference between what is and what is not appropriate. And we know we can trust you to do the right thing.” Malcolm paused for a moment before he said “Thank you.” It was actually the most amount of trust someone had put in him in a while.



Malcolm walked down the hall of the school with new assurance. ''I am in the clear! There is no law keeping me from making Natalie my girlfriend. No, wait, that’s not a good way of putting it. Maybe…me and Natalie becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah, that sounds better, not so possessive. The point is there is nothing standing in my way.'' He turned the corner into his classroom. Spying Natalie at her desk brought a wave of nervousness over him. Except my own anxieties.